I'm running down the runway, I lift the
pole above my head, jump, make it over the 15 foot bar, and land on
the mat. The crowd is going wild... then I wake up to the sound of my
alarm going off.
It's 1:00 in the afternoon on a random
Saturday in November, and it's time for track practice. So I eat a
quick breakfast, put on my baggy running sweats, and jog down to the
UMBC stadium for track practice. I finally get to the stadium, and
wait another 5 minutes for the rest of the pole vaulters to show up.
We warm up, then meet up with the coaches to hear our work out for
the day. “Today determines whether or not you will be able to
compete for this team” said the coaches, “If you cannot perform
up to the standard that we want you to, then you will be kicked off
this team!”. So the pressure was on. For the rest of practice, the
other pole vaulters and I practiced our vaults, while the coaches
inspected our every move. As practice dragged on, my performance
steadily decreased. The pain in my wrist, caused from a pole vaulting
accident when I fell 13 feet and landed on my wrist, increased with
each vault. After what seemed like the longest practice in the
history of track and field, my coaches called me over to have a word
with me.
“I'm sorry Robbie, it's not going to
work out”.
I was crushed. I couldn't believe it. I
didn't have what it took to be a division one college athlete. But as
I walked away, I held my head up high. I was on the track, and for a
time, I had been a college athlete.
In the end, the only thing that
matters, is how I feel about myself.
Word Count: 310
Maybe you could focus more in on how you felt during the pole vaulting when you realized you wouldn't be able to make it on the team. Talk about how you felt when your wrist was throbbing in pain, etc. I think that could really make the story great! I like that you started it out with a dream, very unique and interesting!
ReplyDeleteI really like how you started out with a dream as well, it lets the reader know you're a pole vaulter.
ReplyDeleteThe dream you had in the beginning of the story was very interesting. It was also a great contrast to the fact that you weren't able to return back to the team for the upcoming season. As for your point, I'm co-signing with Jennifer's point about how you could probably talk more about how you felt so that your overall point can be strengthened. Although interesting, the story might have to go!
ReplyDeleteThere is a little lack in explanation on your point, but overall a great story!
ReplyDelete